No such thing as too much chocolate.

Being a caregiver to an adult who has some form of dementia is a bit like being the mother of a two-year-old.

We’d been to Lowe’s, stopped off for a coffee and scone, then went to Home Depot. I was on a mission to find a new exhaust fan that met certain parameters. Quick in and out, that’s my motto for running errands. I was speeding through Home Depot when I realized Peter was no longer tailing me.

Screen Shot 2016-05-14 at 2.39.47 PMI turned around a saw him studying a display. It was a rack of candy bars. He saw me coming, gave me his innocent little-boy smile and said, “Just seeing what there is.”

“You just had a huge scone…” I said, ever the grumpy mum.

“That was ages ago.” (Fifteen minutes is a long time in dementia years.)

I had one more stop before heading home, but because Peter seemed in such a good mood, I suggested we detour to the shoe store. “Do I need shoes?” he asked.

“You’ve complained for weeks you ‘have no shoes,'” I said, steering him to the men’s section.

“What am I looking for?” he asked.

“Replacement for those worn brown ones,” I said.

“I like them…”

“We’ll find some you’ll like just as well.” I zoomed in on the style he’s always favored, something between a sneaker-look and a semi-dressy casual shoe.  I pulled several out.

“What size do I wear?” he asked.

“I don’t know! Eight, I think,” I said, frustrated because he didn’t know. He tried them on, but became obsessed with finding his toe under the leather. “Lace them up, then walk in them,” I said, as I would’ve said to a toddler.

“But my toe!”

“Does it hurt? Aren’t they comfortable?”

“No, doesn’t hurt. Yes, they’re comfortable.”

Hallelujah. “Great! Let’s buy them in black too. They’re really nice,” I said.

He grimaced. “No, not the same shoe.”

I tried the rationale I use on myself. When I find a pair of shoes I like, and if they are available in another color, I buy both pairs. I added that the second pair would be fifty percent off.

We bought one pair.

I was so exhausted I went directly home without finishing my errands. Maybe if I’d bribed him with a Hershey bar?

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Chocolate-dipped Adidas Yeezy 750 Boost sneaker designed by Kanye West.

Header: Shapeways edible chocolate shoe

2016 National Society of Newspaper Columnists’ contest finalist. 

Hello! My name is…

Bad enough that our doctor and our dentist have the same last names. Not only that, but our doctor and Peter’s dermatologist have the same first names and very similar last names. Add to that my childhood friend and another friend from the not as distant past have the same first names. The former’s husband has the same first name as the latter’s surname.

My poor husband doesn’t have a chance of keeping all that straight.

Recently, while Skyping with our friends in England, Martin and Anna, Peter was confounded by a question Martin asked. He came running to me, mid-Skype, to ask about “an old house.” I had no idea what he was talking about, so I followed him here, to my computer. “That house,” Peter said, pointing to a small painting of our previous home on the wall behind him. His friend could see it as they talked, and wondered about it.

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Peter with son-in-law Martin.

“Martin painted that for me for Christmas about thirty years ago,” I said.

“Martin? Martin doesn’t paint,” Peter scoffed, while his friend laughed on the other side of the Atlantic.

“No-o, not that Martin,” I said, “son-in-law Martin!”

“Oh,” he said. “Well, anyway, I don’t remember that house.”

“Peter, we lived there seventeen years,” I said, frustrated. I loved that house, loved living there. He shook his head. Nope, he neither remembered the house, the little village, nor that Leslie’s husband Martin painted the picture. Peter’s old college mate sat at his kitchen table chuckling, not that the confusion was really funny. But, might as well laugh as cry, eh?

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Mates of old.

Header photo: Peter and his best mate Martin.

2016 National Society of Newspaper Columnists’ contest finalist. 

Fresh fish get slapped.

Friday’s outing included lunch at Montano’s, our favorite restaurant in Roanoke. We’ve eaten there every month or two for years. We recognize most of the waitstaff, and they us, and they always know Peter will order a Guinness.

The other day, our waitress was new to us. They no longer have Guinness on tap, so she brought him three choices of bottled Guinness — Draught, Black Lager, and Original. “What do I have?” he asked. I ordered  the Draught. Peter studied the menu as if he’d never seen it. I’d already decided to have the special — fresh cod tacos.

“Ready to order, Sir?” the waitress asked as she came by a third time.

He looked at her with a mischievous glint in his eyes. I cringed. “I’ll have the ‘chis and fips,'” he said.

“I’m sorry?” She glanced at me and leaned closer to him.

Peter chuckled. “Fish and chips, I’ll have fish and chips,” he said. An apology was embedded in my weak smile. She winked.

“I’ve got to stop doing that,” he said.

“Yeah, yeah, that’ll be a cold day in hell.”

“But it’s warm today, I left my jacket in the car.”

“Mm-m,” I said.

When our food was delivered, he looked at my plate. “What’s that?” he asked.

“Fresh cod tacos. They’re really good. Want a bite?”

“Do I like that?”

“You’ve never had a cod taco. Neither have I, but…yum,” I said, trying to tempt him.

“Is the fish fresh?”

“Any fresher and I’d slap it,” I said.

Took him a few seconds to get my little joke, but he finally laughed. I confess, I didn’t come up with the line. I saw it on a shop in London’s Borough Market years ago.

He never did try my taco, but I didn’t give him another chance either.

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Borough Market sushi shop, London, April 22, 2006

Header photo: Atlantic Cod, Saipal/Flickr (CCBY 2.0)

2016 National Society of Newspaper Columnists’ contest finalist. 

A haircut doesn’t hurt.

Lourie has been cutting my hair for years, and Virginia has been washing my hair as long. Now Lourie also cuts Peter’s hair and trims his beard, against his grumbling protests, I might add.  He argues, complains and pouts. He’s worse than a three-year-old getting his first haircut.

Virginia’s magic touch puts him in a good mood, and Lourie, who’s been in the biz for thirty-four years, puts up with his nonsense with her signature bubbly laugh.  She jollies him along and is a perfect audience for his jokes, the old routine I’ve heard a million times.

After I sneak a photo of the event around the corner, I sink into a chair, totally relaxed, knowing he’s in good hands. I doze.

Peter comes out looking like his old self — younger and smiling. Lourie and her flashing scissors did their usual excellent job. Win, win!

Header photo: Lourie keeps Peter laughing while she cuts his hair.

2016 National Society of Newspaper Columnists’ contest finalist. 

Well, well, well.

“Hello,” I said to my husband when I came in the door.
“Hole in the ground,” he replied.
“What?” He often responds with something he thinks is funny.
“I thought you said, ‘Well.’”
“No, I said, ‘Hello.’”
“Oh well.” He grinned.
I laughed, but maybe you had to be there.

Peter explained this hole in the ground—the Grand Canyon—to a visitor who thought he was a guide who knew what he was talking about! (2011)

Peter explained this hole in the ground—the Grand Canyon—to a visitor who thought he was a guide who knew what he was talking about! (2011)

Header photo: At Yellowstone National Park.

2016 National Society of Newspaper Columnists’ contest finalist. 

Lefty’s is all right.

Our favorite restaurant, Lefty’s, recently moved to another location further along Main Street. I was eager to see it, and to eat there. The food is always good.

images-1When our friends Jerry and Shelia visited last week, I suggested we try the new place, but the men wanted a Guinness and fish and chips so they went to Red Robin. We ladies went shopping first, then to Lefty’s. While we chatted, a favorite waiter walked by. I was impressed,  I said. “Oh, is this the first time you’ve been here? Your husband was in last week,” he said. “He was with…”

“Bill,” I said “his companion. He didn’t say they’d been here, but then he doesn’t even remember what he’s eaten when they go out, much less where.”

He chuckled. “We always like to see him. He keeps us laughing.”

“That’s Pete,” Shelia said. “He’s been like that as long as I’ve known him.”

“He’s a good customer. We don’t even mind if he doesn’t pay…”

What? He leaves without paying?” I squeaked. “You do chase him and get the money, don’t you?” (Until a few months ago, Peter walked to Lefty’s by himself occasionally so I could see how it happened without Bill or me to watch him.)

“Nah, we love him, and it doesn’t matter. Evens out anyway because a couple of times he managed to pay twice somehow.”

I thanked him for the kindnesses. Shelia and I laughed, but really, I was embarrassed! Peter gets special service when he goes to Red Robin with Bill or me and now, obviously, he gets special treatment at Lefty’s, too.

As his ol’ granny would have said, “A bit of all right, that.”

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2016 National Society of Newspaper Columnists’ contest finalist. 

Sweet tooth, Sweetheart?

Toothpaste-PeopleHe squeezes the bottom, I squeeze the middle…of the toothpaste, that is. Who squeezes where has never been a problem in our marriage.

What is a problem these days is Peter’s obsession about having toothpaste. In spite of the tube on the sink and a new one in the cupboard, he always writes “toothpaste” (actually, touthpaste) on his ever present shopping list. He used to walk the two blocks to the grocery, but he doesn’t go on his own anymore. Neither does he give me his list which always includes string as well. I don’t understand that either.

His toothpaste concerns befuddle me. I wonder, does he remember rationing as a child during World War II? Toothpaste wasn’t rationed in England or here, but in both countries a purchaser had to turn in the used metal tube in order to purchase another. I remember my mother carefully slitting the tube open to scrape out the last traces of toothpaste. I thought she was being too particular, but apparently that was the only way she could buy more. The metal was recycled for the war effort.

Even though we have a drawerful of the toothbrushes the dental hygienist gives us, toothbrushes are always on his list too. About once a month he goes to the grocery with me. Grocery-getting is my least favorite of all household tasks because it is so labor intensive. Plus, keeping my husband in sight is like tracking a three-year-old in a toy store. He doesn’t think it’s a problem, so I try not to complain.

When we finally meet up, my large cart is overflowing. Peter’s small one has only beer and a Hershey bar inside. I ask about toothpaste.

“It’s OK,” he always says, “I’ll get it another time.”

Maybe he puts toothpaste on the list to justify the Hersey bar? He used to buy flowers occasionally, but now it’s chocolate for himself. And he doesn’t share.

Even this silly story makes me laugh, sad though it is.

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Header photo: Peter always enjoys lunch out.

2016 National Society of Newspaper Columnists’ contest finalist. 

 

‘I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.’

Losing car keys doesn’t mean Alzheimer’s disease is lurking, but forgetting what the keys are for might. That’s a simplistic example of the difference between simple forgetfulness, and a more serious problem.

I asked Peter to put some towels into the washer. He went to the laundry room and stood in front of the washer and dryer, muttering. After a few minutes he said, “Which one do you want me to use?”  Since he hasn’t done his own laundry in forty years or more, the question wasn’t too surprising.

On the other hand, I’ve been doing weekly laundry for more than fifty years, but lately I simply forget it until I realize I’m out of underwear! I do know which appliance is the washer, which, the dryer.

Once upon a time I was so organized that my brain was a calendar, neatly compartmented with to-do lists. I never left work without clearing my desk and writing a chronological list of the next day’s projects. When Peter left work, papers were an avalanche waiting to happen. Pens and pencils were strewn like trees in the Midwest after a tornado. Dust bunnies raised families in the crevices of his desk chair.

Now, both his desks look like a military parade: pencils and pens aligned at right angles to the front edge, calendars hung at studied levels — turned to the wrong months however — and stacks of coins in ranks as if on review. His other desk, the one dedicated to model ship building, is arrayed similarly: special brushes and tiny tools in rows, regimented.

My desk looks as if the recycling truck backed up and dumped a load of papers, boxes, sticky notes and Mentos wrappers. Every few weeks I attempt to organize my desktop and files. The mess is viral.

Household chores? While Peter attends to his self-assigned tasks, I seldom even clean the coffee maker anymore. For many years I had a rigid first-Friday-of-the-month routine: run vinegar through the coffeemaker, use baking soda and vinegar in all the drains, and turn the mattress, end-to-end one month, side-to-side the next.

pea_princessBack then, flipping the mattress made us laugh so much we couldn’t lift the thing. Neither of us remembered, one time to next, how to do it, end-to-end or side-to-side, without demolishing the ceiling fan. Last week, I realized we hadn’t turned the mattress in months. I called Peter to help.

We’ve never agreed how to do it. In the past we laughed at our contortions, but this time we barely managed to heft it, much less laugh.

Time was, I vacuumed and dusted obsessively. Now I have Carri who does it for me, and if she’s away, I don’t bother. Peter likes to “Hoover,” as he calls it, but insists on parallel lines across the rugs. He combs their fringed edges with a fork. I wish his hair looked as good.

We’ve reversed habits. His new obsessiveness stems from a need to have control. My escalating lack of organization says I have more chores than I can manage, so I let everything slide. Peter can’t help himself, but I really must revive my routines.

A magic wand might help!

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Quote at top: Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

2016 National Society of Newspaper Columnists’ contest finalist. 

Color me aqua.

Christmas 2015 is history. I “bah-humbugged” through the season, but the day itself was memorable for lots of reasons. Not only did Peter not remember it was the 25th, he didn’t know it was December.

For the first time in years, he gave me a present he selected, or perhaps “selected by omission” is a better way of saying it. Leslie took him shopping. She took him to one likely shop, but when he looked in the window, he said no. He walked next door  and went in. He’d never been in either place before.

She pointed out several sweaters but, rejecting those, he chose another in aqua. (Strange, because it’s a color he really dislikes.) Carolynn thought maybe he picked it because I wore an aqua sweater the night we met — I like that theory. I love the sweater, the color, and the white shirt he (or Leslie) chose for under it.

Next, they went to buy a card. When I opened it Christmas morning, I heard a lively voice say, “HI THERE.” We both startled. Leslie, watching, hooted. “Peter jumped every time he opened the card in the shop,” she said. By moving the snowman’s hat onto the snowman, LEDs flash and an orchestra plays the first phrases of “Sleigh Ride.”  What fun it was!

On December 26, Boxing Day in England and, not coincidentally, our anniversary, I spied a slim package under the tree. A very sweet card topped it, but I’ll keep the message to myself.

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The gift was a calendar, desk blotter-sized, to color. I don’t know which of them found it, but Leslie knows I’ve fallen in love with coloring all over again. Peter remembered enough about the childhood pastime to ask, “Is this enough? Shouldn’t I buy the…equipment…the stuff…to go with it?” Leslie said no, and told him, “Mom really has enough colored pencils and crayons.” (By my count, 150 coloring  implements, one art gum eraser.)

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The jolly snowman card was a hit with everyone on Christmas Day and the days since. I keep it on the kitchen table. Every time I open it, Peter jumps and we laugh.

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Memories of Christmas just past. Color me happy.

Header photo: Close up of my aqua sweater.

2016 National Society of Newspaper Columnists’ contest finalist. 

Chips, a food group unto itself.

Fish ‘n’ chips. Egg ‘n’ chips. Sausage ‘n’ chips.

I could rotate those three meals every night of the week and get no complaints from my English husband. Not only are they are his favorite meals, but he forgets from one meal to the next what he ate the day before. If I added in bangers and mash, bubble and squeak, and roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, I’d be a star.

Screen shot 2014-09-13 at 11.16.35 AMIn England, chips (French fries) are as iconic as a nice cuppa tea. Brits eat chips with anything. We’ve even had them served with pizza and a spicy Indian meal.

Around here, Red Robin has the best fish and chips, Peter says. We went there for lunch recently and sat at the bar, as always. The bartender, a sweet young woman and one of his favorites, asked, “The usual?”
Peter turned to me. “What beer do I have?”
I said Guinness, but the barmaid shook her head slightly. “Only in bottles.”
“What do you have then?” he asked as he got up to look at the taps.
She was already drawing a sample of another beer. “This is the one you like,” she said, as she handed it to him to taste.
“Yes! A pint of that,” he agreed, licking his lips.
I whispered to her, “Do you do that every time he’s here?” (Peter and companion Bill have lunch there at least twice a month.) She nodded yes, but flapped her hand as if to say, that’s OK.
images-1But then he confounded both of us when he ordered a burger and chips, instead of fish and chips.

While we were eating, a waitress came by and tapped him on the shoulder. “You haven’t been in for a while,” she said with a giggle. “We’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too, darlin’,” he said, as I knew he would. “Why aren’t you behind the bar today?”
They were short a waitress, she explained, so she had to fill in.

Then along came the manager. “Whad you doin’ to me, man?” he asked. “I don’ know who you are when you don’ order fish and chips!”
“Oh, I’ve got ‘the wife’ with me this time,” he said, as if I forced him to have a burger instead of marginally better-for-him fried fish. He knows how it riles me to be called the wife, and he does it to see my eyes shoot sparks. Of all the things he’s forgotten in recent years, he hasn’t forgotten that.

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Header photo: Holly Exley Illustration, London, UK.

2016 National Society of Newspaper Columnists’ contest finalist.